So I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this to any of you I know but I think it’s an important subject to talk about. As we’ve just had Halloween I thought it would be a good time to tell you all about it!
Have you ever thought what you might do if the majority of the population were suddenly turned into zombies? Well for some reason I have. I think it’s important to have a plan in place for any city you might find yourself in. The worst thing that you could do if zombies were to attack is to panic and not have any plan of action. Because of this I thought I’d create this. You could call it a public service announcement. I like to do my bit.
Ok so first off is to think about where you’d go. Do you find somewhere you can hold up that’s easily defendable or do you go for some sort of transport so you can get out of the city to a more remote area. Remote area is good as there are less zombies but worse as there are less supplies. My choice would be to get the hell out of the cities. If you do go by this approach then I’d suggest following. Fist thing…..weapons. Now, I’m a pretty peaceful kind of guy but if I get attacked by zombies with the intention of eating me I want to be able to defend myself. Now, guns are pretty hard to get hold of unless you can get to some sort of army base, but how do you know if the army people are infected or not. If they are it means army zombies with guns. Not good. The only thing worse than a military trained zombie is an angry badger. Trust me.
Ok so the best things is knives, swords or sport equipment. So your top three places to try to get to first are sports shops, kitchen shops and museums. For me if you can get to a sports shop then get yourself baseballs bats, hockey sticks, golf clubs or even something like a dumbbell bar. I’m currently living in Sydney so I’ll give you a plan of action for Sydney, specifically living near Kings Cross as it’s quite a central location. If you live in another city I suggest you follow this process then apply it to your city.
So upon first knowledge of zombie attack try to get yourself in a group of 4 people. There has to be one woman. Preferably attractive with large boobs, next is a funny guy of some sort. There always has to be some sort of comic relief. The final person should be a random that know one really knows as statistically they are most likely to get killed first thus giving yourself and the other two a greater chance of survival, at least until you can get to the weapons. Ok so once you managed this your first priority has to be getting yourself to the weapons. I’m currently living in kings cross in Sydney so my first choice is do I take the slightly more remote route to the art gallery via Woolloomooloo or do I risk the more populated route via William street? You need to think about these things. Now at the bottom of William street is a kitchen supply shop. Good place for knives. Although saying that, the art gallery is just down the road from the kitchen shop so I’d go through Woolloomooloo and get to the art gallery at the domain. Watch out if you do go this way as it does go past the navy base. Trained zombies on boats is not good. You may think the art gallery is a strange choice but I happen to know that they have an ancient Japan section with some very good Japanese swords. Before you head off make sure to at least arm yourself with anything that you can find in your kitchen. If you’re like me then you’ll have no problems finding knives. Make sure to take your sharpening steel as it can act as both knife sharpener and a blunt weapon should you lose the knives or a zombie runs off with your knife sticking through him. So off to the art gallery then the kitchen shop in William street. Suit myself up at both then where next? Transport. If you haven’t managed to steal a car yet I suggest car rental places. They keep the keys in the same building and they have a pretty good choice of cars. Luckily William street has lots so get to one of those and break in and grab a car. Anything will do for now. If you can grab a 4×4 then do that, if not get in anything you can and try to get to a Toyota garage and get yourself one of those indestructible 4×4’s. A Hilux for preference. It’s big which means it good for filling with supplies, powerful and can go off-road. Also there is the ramming ability. Make sure to get one with bull bars. Good for splattering zombies.
Ok so now get yourself to a supermarket. Canned goods and water for preference. Canned goods last and as a final resort could be used as some sort of blunt weapon. Also try to get yourself stocked up with first aid kits, antiseptics and pain killers. Injuries are likely so being able to treat them is important. Try and go to a supermarket you know. Much better to know the layout of the place in case you get attacked and need to get out of there in a hurry.
Now if it was me I’d also try to go to a good Italian deli or butcher and get myself some good dry cured meat. A few whole legs of prosciutto should do it. Again it lasts and it’s really tasty. Also as a last resort you could hit a zombie with a whole leg of prosciutto and do some serious damage. My preference would be Victor Churchill, 132 Queen Street, Woollahra. An amazing butcher that’s almost like a work of art in butcher form. Anyway they’d for sure have some amazing whole legs of prosciutto. It’s also good to just go and check it out in case you want to buy some incredible meat for a BBQ or a tasty dinner. You don’t need to just go there if you’re getting attacked by zombies.
That brings me on to a general rule when cooking for a lot of people. If you’re feeding about 10-12 people and you’re not sure if you have enough meat then use the following rule. If you can knock someone out with the meat you are buying then you probably have enough for about 10 people. For instance, if you buy one chicken and swing it at someone’s head you won’t knock them out, only piss them off, plus you’ll only feed about 4 people. However if you buy three chickens, put them in a bag and swing it at someone. Whammy. Out cold and will feed 10-12 people nicely.
Once you have weapons transport and supplies get the hell out of dodge. My preference would be to drive south to Jervis Bay. It’s amazing down there. Good fishing and national parks so you can live off the land. Not too many people down there either so less likely to run into zombies. Check out Paperbark Camp if you want to go down there to scope Jervis Bay out. Camping in style!
Hopefully that should give you a good head start if we get taken over by zombies. Good luck.
I was attacked by zombies in the Funkhouse